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Natural & Un-Natural Disasters!!

I survived the 2011 Earthquake earlier this week... Our entire building's air conditioning system failed last week (for temperatures exceeding 32C!) Now the weather is getting wonky with a hurricane coming up the coast --- with predictions that NYC will get three metres or more of rain/flood water (as it did in the storm of 1938.)

But just when things look bleak... Just when things truly awful, they get worse:


To make this worse, I'm on an executive floor which requires badge access -- not just anyone can get to this floor, let alone get into the staff pantry. We're all middle-aged professionals making plenty of money. Many of us typically go out for lunch (which in this neighbourhood tends to cost $10 or more.)

What kind of sick, twisted person (who can obviously afford their own food) eats a co-worker's food??!?!?

Well -- shocks and surprises await next week, as I won't poison my food, but I will surely have some things most people wouldn't want to put in their mouth, let alone their digestive tract!! Durian is the least of their concerns.

Send your bodily fluid donations to be fed to Wall Street food thieves sealed in Tyvek envelopes to:

Spunk & Shit Sandwiches for Wall Street
c/o The "I can't believe it's NOT Nutella" Campaign
PO Box 104280
New York, NY 10005-4280

As much fun as it might be for some of my mates to know that some hot-shot, rich-bitch hedge-fund trader is unknowingly eating their 'spunk and spuds' for lunch, I'm not being serious asking for your donation -- but trust me, I will be planting some everyday, good-looking, yummy food items that will cause some serious gastrointestinal distress... More on this later, after I hear the cries of pain in the loo!

Hummmmm, what are the legal ramifications of knowingly putting tainted food in the shared fridge at work if someone gets sick or dies? Is there a precedence? Any advice is welcome -- but I believe this person/these people are asking for a cider vinegar and red-pepper sauce treat. I'm not offering them my food, they are stealing it.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 25th, 2011 08:09 pm (UTC)
If I were you, I wouldn't do this. There was a teenager at a high school who thought it would be funny to ice a chocolate cake with melted Ex-Lax and leave it for the teachers. He wasn't too happy with the jail time he got for assault (yes, I know there's a pun there...)

There's also a case where some guy jerked off into a pot of yogurt and gave it to a lady "friend". He was booked for assault too, but I don't know whether he got jail time or not.

What I would do is put a sign on the wrapping of your sandwich saying: "I may have oversalted this sandwich." Don't do it, but it may scare them off. If they do eat it, the next day DO oversalt it with the same sign.

There was a Japanese restaurant on 46th Street in Manhattan that used to have a food display case outside. Vandals kept smashing the glass and stealing the food. One day (this is all before plastic food for display occurred to anyone) a sign appeared on the case. "Dear Mr. Thief. We have put many grams of salt on the food inside this case, so it's no longer edible."

If it continues you might want to have a word with HR to get their take on how to prevent it.

Good luck! (Oh, of course, if someone put sperm in MY yogurt I'd probably eat it and ask for more.)
Aug. 25th, 2011 09:08 pm (UTC)
I actually thought the picture of the bread with the brown streak was Nut-tella.
Aug. 25th, 2011 11:27 pm (UTC)
What makes you think they are actually eating it and not just taking it to drive you insane?

Maybe they are selecting your goodness between to white slices to feed a homeless person?

i am going with making you nuts ..

Aug. 26th, 2011 12:50 am (UTC)
That happened to me at a place I used to do consulting at. I would go to a neighboring deli & buy materials for several lunches, and someone would steal them from the fridge. I tried stapling the paper bag shut, but the thief ripped it open. At last I bought a lunchbox & a padlock. That did the job.

Long ago, I lived in a rooming house, and people stole my orange juice from the fridge. I put the flask in a paper bag (lead us not into temptation), but that didn't work, until I wrote a rhymed curse & taped it to the flask. I also dissuaded egg thieves by numbering the eggs in the carton, to convey the notion that each would be missed.
Aug. 26th, 2011 03:04 am (UTC)
you could make two sandwiches - one that's safe - and then stick a note inside that says:

"one of these sandwiches has been 'seasoned' with ex-lax and ipecac. one has not. do you feel lucky?"

(obviously you would make a note on there to yourself (and only you!) as to which sandwich was safe to eat. that way they have advance warning if they do decide to take your grub.
Aug. 31st, 2011 06:34 pm (UTC)
Thinly sliced soap as cheese between slices of spicy lunch meet.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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