But just when things look bleak... Just when things truly awful, they get worse:
SOME BUGGER AT WORK HAS BEEN EATING MY LUNCHES AND DRINKING MY BEVERAGES FROM THE SHARED FRIDGE!! -- WHAT A FUCKING TWAT!!!
To make this worse, I'm on an executive floor which requires badge access -- not just anyone can get to this floor, let alone get into the staff pantry. We're all middle-aged professionals making plenty of money. Many of us typically go out for lunch (which in this neighbourhood tends to cost $10 or more.)
What kind of sick, twisted person (who can obviously afford their own food) eats a co-worker's food??!?!?
Well -- shocks and surprises await next week, as I won't poison my food, but I will surely have some things most people wouldn't want to put in their mouth, let alone their digestive tract!! Durian is the least of their concerns.
Send your bodily fluid donations to be fed to Wall Street food thieves sealed in Tyvek envelopes to:
Spunk & Shit Sandwiches for Wall Street
c/o The "I can't believe it's NOT Nutella" Campaign
PO Box 104280
New York, NY 10005-4280
As much fun as it might be for some of my mates to know that some hot-shot, rich-bitch hedge-fund trader is unknowingly eating their 'spunk and spuds' for lunch, I'm not being serious asking for your donation -- but trust me, I will be planting some everyday, good-looking, yummy food items that will cause some serious gastrointestinal distress... More on this later, after I hear the cries of pain in the loo!
Hummmmm, what are the legal ramifications of knowingly putting tainted food in the shared fridge at work if someone gets sick or dies? Is there a precedence? Any advice is welcome -- but I believe this person/these people are asking for a cider vinegar and red-pepper sauce treat. I'm not offering them my food, they are stealing it.