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December 2nd, 2004

Canada Deals With Bush-Dodgers

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has
intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop
the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among
left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and
agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at
night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose
acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I
said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my
screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,
but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare
Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush
annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near
the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across
the border, and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario
border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking
water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have
been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education
camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious
ways of crossing the border.

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap
Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping
buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we
get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating
an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon
movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't
support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does
one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to
Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we
might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is
determined to reach out."



ATM spits out Canadian Tire money

WebPosted Dec 1 2004 10:41 PM AST

MONCTON — A CIBC cash machine was recently dispensing Canadian Tire money at a Moncton mall.

Kayla Peters, 16, said she was shocked when she withdrew $60 on Nov. 29. She received two $20 bills and two $2 bills in Canadian Tire money.

"I just stood there for a second wondering what I should do, but then I heard some other people talking about it and it turned out I wasn't the only one."

Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce officials say four people have been reimbursed for the mistake.

"It clearly must have come in from maybe some of our business customers who package up their own cash," said Rob McLeod, spokesperson for the bank. "We're still tracking down exactly what the source was."

McLeod says CIBC has confiscated the fake money as part of its investigation.

The ATM spat out 11 Canadian Tire bills in denominations ranging from 10 cents to $2.

"It appears to be a very isolated incident," said McLeod.

It's the second recent embarrassment to involve CIBC. Last week, a junkyard owner in West Virginia revealed he was suing CIBC because it failed to stop faxing him private financial information about its clients.

The bank said it knew about the problem and thought it had been fixed in 2002. CIBC has ordered its employees to stop using the bank's internal fax system to send customer information between offices.



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