Chaz Antonelli (mc4bbs) wrote,
Chaz Antonelli

How do I become more self-centred and selfish?

It's amazing when I keep track of my hours on the computer and in real life over the years, just how much time I really don't have for my personal life.

I spend a good portion of my life for the causes I believe in, the companies I work for (even worse when they've been the ones I've owned!), and the clubs, groups and organizations that I feel help make life better for others, etc., etc.

When I moved to Boston four years ago, I made myself a promise not to fall into the same trappings of caring for others so much that it prevents me from enjoying my life. Well, I guess I fell back on that promise. I simply can't be a selfish jerk, as I wanted. While it's completely true that I have an Ego, as seen by many as far too big, when you investigate further, "my" Ego isn't mine -- it's my belief and personal crusades for my causes. Sure, some people won't bother to look deeper into my life to realize that it's not about me and just shrug me off. I'm thankful for that, as it's a perfect "filter" for choosing my friends.

Sometimes I'm envious of the people that simply enjoy their own life at face value, rather than trying to share the joy of the experience with others. It sure must be nice not to have to feel sad when someone else is depressed or sick, cry when someone else dies, and to keep all your money to yourself for the things you want, rather than waste it on frivolous "causes" that really don't effect me directly.

Where did I go wrong? Why do I care about other people, many of whom I'll never meet or have sex with? So, now I turn to others for their advice on how I can purge all of these feelings and cares, which are obviously just baggage weighing me down from enjoying a fulfilling life.

The problem is, all the folks that know how to accomplish this won't reply to it -- they could care less. There's nothing in it for them. :-(

Tags: gripe, soapbox

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