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It's amazing when I keep track of my hours on the computer and in real life over the years, just how much time I really don't have for my personal life.

I spend a good portion of my life for the causes I believe in, the companies I work for (even worse when they've been the ones I've owned!), and the clubs, groups and organizations that I feel help make life better for others, etc., etc.

When I moved to Boston four years ago, I made myself a promise not to fall into the same trappings of caring for others so much that it prevents me from enjoying my life. Well, I guess I fell back on that promise. I simply can't be a selfish jerk, as I wanted. While it's completely true that I have an Ego, as seen by many as far too big, when you investigate further, "my" Ego isn't mine -- it's my belief and personal crusades for my causes. Sure, some people won't bother to look deeper into my life to realize that it's not about me and just shrug me off. I'm thankful for that, as it's a perfect "filter" for choosing my friends.

Sometimes I'm envious of the people that simply enjoy their own life at face value, rather than trying to share the joy of the experience with others. It sure must be nice not to have to feel sad when someone else is depressed or sick, cry when someone else dies, and to keep all your money to yourself for the things you want, rather than waste it on frivolous "causes" that really don't effect me directly.

Where did I go wrong? Why do I care about other people, many of whom I'll never meet or have sex with? So, now I turn to others for their advice on how I can purge all of these feelings and cares, which are obviously just baggage weighing me down from enjoying a fulfilling life.

The problem is, all the folks that know how to accomplish this won't reply to it -- they could care less. There's nothing in it for them. :-(



( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 25th, 2007 05:48 pm (UTC)
I was almost going to respond... but then I just couldn't get up enough desire to do so.

As much as you may think that living for your beliefs is a curse, it's much MUCH worse on the otherside. Being lackadaisical and laid back to the point of uncaring is not a virtue. I wish I had half the desire and push that you do to accomplish as much as you do.

What it really comes down to is the grass is always greener on the other side. You think that it'd be nice to be on that side, but it really isn't as nice as you'd think it is. You'd go crazy doing nothing. Enjoy your rever and energy, and use it to your advantage. Learn how to take breaks and find places to vacation away from technology. Go to the farthest reaches of the Earth, camping, hiking, backpacking, African Safari, etc. to get away from technology to revive yourself. However, don't think that you can just quit everything and enjoy it. You won't.
Jan. 25th, 2007 06:28 pm (UTC)

don't fret -
That is called Healthy Emotions -
and everyone's are different -- don't compare yourself too much.
Your not a Betazed.

And - with that GodHatesFagsVideo; -- I def think they should keep it up. He is soo on the verge of logging onto Manhunt and switching back to our Team. He sings like a gay choir boy, in a PINK Shirt - and will just alienate the Right even more! ! ! ! GO GAYS
Jan. 25th, 2007 06:39 pm (UTC)
You can't purge it willingly. You might get burned out of it, but that's not the healthy way to go.

My suggestion is to give yourself "date" nights -- with yourself. (wink wink nudge nudge) No really, set up regular times and schedule *ME TIME*. You are NOT allowed to work. You are NOT allowed to do group stuff. You *MUST* read, or watch a movie or even bad TV, or practice (learn?) a musical instrument, whatever. At LEAST one night a week, preferably more, and TWO FULL DAYS on the weekend each month. (And I mean FULL DAYS, you can't do four half days.)

After you've done this a while, it might get easier and maybe you won't need to schedule it.
Jan. 25th, 2007 07:17 pm (UTC)
Unfortunately, one of the worse things you can do is compare yourself to others...a lesson that i am learning right now. What that does is cause resentment towards the people you do care about, and make your life really unhappy because “the grass is greener on the other side”. but guess what? that grass has a big cow chip right in the middle of it. We all have things in our life that we want to change, but the important thing is WHY you are doing it and do you REALLY want to change. i went threw that last August when it came down for me to see a psychologist. i really did not want to, but my drive to become a better submissive for my Sir’s drove me to do this. Because i did this, the unexpected bonus i got from it is that I am getting better at dealing with issues in my life and everyone is seeing this (um...except for last fall during Ram’s Run..but that is a different issue)

i agree with a previous entry of making *ME* time for yourself...is that is what you want. Do some searching for yourself and decide what you need!!! From the brief time i have known you; i do not see a big ego, just a big heart! HUGS
Jan. 25th, 2007 09:24 pm (UTC)
Ummm..... not to be cruel (because it's not meant that way), but that's as close to self-martyrdom as I've seen anyone get in a long time.

It's amazing when I keep track of my hours on the computer and in real life over the years, just how much time I really don't have for my personal life.
"my" Ego isn't mine -- it's my belief and personal crusades for my causes.

Maybe it's me, but from what you posted, it sounds like your belief and personal crusades for your causes ARE your personal life.

If what you're doing isn't fulfilling, you need to work out what it is you want and what it is you need, and find a way to meet those criteria before devoting the rest of your time to your other interests. I'm in the process of doing this myself (again).

In the 20+ years I have known you, you have always been an, um, attention seeker. I'm glad you use that energy in a positive way to help others. This may not mean much coming from someone who's basically a wallflower, but you might want to examine whether the attention is benefiting you or if the desire for attention is just masking something else going on.

Or, maybe I'm just wrong altogether.

In any case, I am confident you'll get yourself squared away eventually. Doesn't middle age suck? :)
Jan. 26th, 2007 02:43 am (UTC)
Dearest Chaz, having an Ego is not a sin. That said, hiding inside of it is. I have often wondered what you would do if you had nothing to do. In all honesty, you would find something so you wouldn't have to sit down and relax. I live vicariously through your adventures and journeys on this big blue marble and often wonder how I would have done things differently if I were you.
I think it is time that you started planning "Chaz" time that doesn't involve a cause, goal, destination or group. Just be.
We know life is a journey that can end in a moment without any warning. Wouldn't it be nice to know that it won't end on a self-imposed race to somewhere, to do something, for some reason and then race back?

And as always, wear dry socks, eat your veggies, respect your elders and write/call when you can.

Just my free 2 cents worth from just south of the 43rd.
Jan. 30th, 2007 03:44 pm (UTC)
I dont think your feelings are baggage. And I don't see how you're not having a fulfilling life. I am only envious of all you do.

You are who you are and in this case, is a good thing. :)

Sorry you're feeling down :( *hugs*
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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