The Krispy Kreme Combo
... would you like fries with that? Just when you thought a "Jack in the Box" Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger* was the worst possible fast food you can eat, someone had to "up the anti!" [Jack in the Box's Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger, photoed to the right of this text, has 1140 calories (energy/kcal), 77g of fat (30 of that being "saturated" fat) and 140mg of cholesterol. Just an appetizer before "Donutburger"!!]
Who do we have to thank for this wonderful concept?? Well, it simply HAD to happen -- it's the evolution of junk food, but you can thank Sam Greenspan and Cartoon Network's animated programme "The Boondocks" for bringing it to life! On Boondocks, it was known as the "Luther Burger" -- ya gotta just love the vast knowledge containted within Wikipedia! It's becoming the internet version of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"!!
Below is a cute snippit from Sam Greenspan's website... enjoy!
(in Eric Cartman voice) -- but Mooooooooommmmmmmmmmm, I want it SUPER-SIZED!!!
On Saturday, at my friend Josh's barbeque, I engaged in one of the oldest male traditions in history. The eating contest.
Competitive eating is no joke. There's a federation. There's a grand champion. I even covered the notorious Fox Glutton Bowl.
There's something grand about dudes engaging in eating contests. They're rarely planned. They're rarely forgotten. I have previously spoken of my friend Adam D (different than Roommate Adam, Adam G or the Adam who I will face in the following eating contest story -- I know far too many Adams) who ate almost double his age in McNuggets, often speaking with them before devouring them. I've also reminisced about the dude who I watched put down 35 White Castles in one evening.
And don't get me started on what Taco Bell's Taco Sunday could do to the fraternity house.
But on Saturday, it took a new twist. Boxes of donuts sat on the ground, aching to be eaten. But no one was going. The barbeque's numbers dwindled down to about a dozen. Which is when myself and (the host of the barbeque) Josh's boss Adam made our declaration.
I don't remember how it happened. Adam and I have both staked our entire lives on our abilities to be funny (he's done a way better job at this than me, by the way, but that's another story for another day), so while it's not normal in general for adults to propose weird things to eat, coming from either of us it's not necessarily outlandish.
The thought was expressed. "Could you eat a hamburger between two Krispy Kreme donuts?" "Yes," he said. "I could too," I replied. Then I offered him five bucks to do it. With eating contests, by the way, the money is often simply an excuse to do it, not really a motivating factor. It's like giving away a free toaster to every customer at a whore house or something.
Naw. It was funny, we all had a laugh. Two hours later, no one would be laughing. Cause it was re-proposed, and this time accepted.
Josh pulled out the George Foreman to whip up the last two burgers, so we could sandwich them between two donuts. I assume it was for expediency and not nutritional purposes; it makes little sense to reduce the fat content of a hamburger between donuts by 1 gram.
The burgers were done but we had a dilemma -- there were only 3 original glazed left. And we wanted the playing field to be even. There was only one other pair of donuts remaining -- the chocolate covered, creme filled.
And just about there is when the whole contest went south.
I guess it's time to let the pictures take over the story.
||Everyone is always positive before an eating contest. Notice the look of determination on my face (left) and the glee on Adam's face (right). Also, note the monstrosity that are the burger/donut concoctions.|
But as gladiators, we charged into battle. Like when the guy from Deuce Bigalow leads the unics into war in Mummy Returns all crazy like (ok, I didn't pay much attention during that movie. I think they were unics, but I know he was from Deuce Bigalow).
Foes come in all shapes in sizes. Men will tell this tale to their grandkids. Some will say the warriors fought hard. Others will look back at this initial reaction shot and recognize that, well, they were big pussies before even swallowing a single mouthful.
|I guess our reactions show our true feelings. I, for one, felt utterly disgusted. I indicate this by placing my hand four inches below my mouth, perfect distance to prevent any "backlash" from hitting the nice table or carpet.||
||Adam, older and wiser, opts to place the hand directly on the mouth. In this way he stifles his laughter, forces the mouthful down, and manages to keep from strangling me for talking him into this.|
|Not to be a dick, but those pictures show I clearly took a larger first bite.|
But what to do with ourselves now? We had each swallowed a bite of the hamburger/donut monster in our hands. It was gross, it was funny, the point was proven. But machismo pride kicked in. This is where you have to dig down deep. And we dug down way deep. And took another bite.
Unfortunately, it was equally, if not more, gross.
Some will say it was the chocolate that did us in. Others will say the creme filling. Still others will attribute it to the warm burger sandwiched between two sugary donuts. And still others will simply dismiss us as Jackass wannabe idiots who shouldn't have had to try it out to figure out it'd be gross. But how many can say that they tied in an eating contest involving a thick, seasoned hamburger patty shoved between two Krispy Kreme donuts, one of which was creme filled?
So, no, we couldn't finish our burgers. Afterwards, we exchanged the usual: "Could've done it if there was money on the line" and "I think our hubris got the best of us." The absolute truth is that the combo was Too Disgusting For Words.
I guess there's never a good explanation for why fellows do the things they do. Why the boys eat worms on the playground, or mix every type of liquid in their fridge and then drink it. Why 39 cent Taco Sunday or 10 cent wing night is more of a challenge than a sale. Why two good old Midwestern Jewish boys decided to scarf down hamburgers with donut buns.
"Aren't you still on a diet," a girl at work asked me yesterday when I described the contest. "Yeah," I replied. "Then how could you do that contest?" she asked.
I guess some people will just never understand.